||[Jul. 2nd, 2005|02:28 am]
So I think it has been like months since I wrote in this...i really should write in it more often, it is rather therapeutic. I can't sleep. it is 2:30 in the morning and I got off work 3 hours ago--I just can't seem to put my mind at ease, I have like 1,000 things going through my head. It doesn't help i am freezing cold thanks to the AC which is blasting away every 5 minutes. Where was the AC when i was at work and it was a million degrees? I sweat so much today at work that when i came home and looked in the mirror and had that weird sweat/makeup crusty thing going on.
I had a party a few days ago, a first for me. It was pretty fun, lot of good people showed up including Jon <333 I started to get sick towards the end of the party and it wasnt from alcohol, but from some stupid cold that attacked me by suprise. I was DYING...I went to bed at like midnight, and woke up at 6:30am...pretty much had everything cleaned by 10am, bout 90%...but that wasnt enough for my mother..heh...even though my brothers friends were mostly the people who destroyed the house and my mother was running around drunk and high off her ass the whole time too...I have been putting in an honest effort to be cleaner. But by the time 10 am hit i was out..i was so fucking SICK it hurt...you know, I wont deny I am a bit of a slob, but I tell you what, I have been tryin HARD. Like, ive never kept things clean as consistently as i am right now. Never enough. NEVER.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you stayed out of obligation...not because it was healthy? I am beginning to think that is the case with my mother. YES, i do want to live in her home, rent free, until i finish school, it is selfish and I can't afford otherwise...but I'll be damned if i live in a place where my brother and my mom despise me and will never ever accept me. I feel like I will never be good enough and I will regret living with her till I graduate. My mother will take credit for everything I do, even though she didnt pay for a red cent for my school directly or support my decision to go to college in the first place. My mom wants me to fail. Is that possible? Yes...she would rather see me grow up to be a huge loser then to ever possibly be a more successful, better person then she is. I thought that is what parents wanted? they want children who bring pride to their name? Not my mother. She is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life.
I wrote a letter to my brother, apologizing to him. I was having a conversation with my mother, and I apparently said some things that led her to accuse my brother of things that arent true. She told me yesterday that if she kicked Dirk out I had to go as well. She just doesnt want us here. I don't even want to know her anymore. There is no way someone so heartless and selfish could have given birth to me, I am slightly disgusted, especially since i seem to have some of her qualities and I look like her. How horrifiying. I told my brother I would never interfere in his life again. Ever.
It is sad when you come to a point in your life where you are secretly planning to leave behind two people in your life forever. Neither one of them will care, they are one in the same and they have each other. Mommy and her little favorite child. She has someone to take care of her, she just better hope he goes somewhere with his life, and i hope he does. I just cant continue to be in this destructive place in my life...she has always had the power to destroy me, and she uses it, because she KNOWS she has that power.
I've decided blood means nothing. It makes me cry to say that. But just because people share my genetics doesnt mean they love me or that I should have to maintain a reltionship JUST because they are related to me. I don't want to know my mom anymore because I hate the person she is, and I don't want to know my brother anymore because by knowing me, she will hate me and in turn he will hate me.
My boyfriend, God bless him, has been really supportive. I don't think he thinks I am serious about what I plan on doing as far as severing all ties with my mom and brother...I'll be honest though, I am not ready to move in with Aaron. I know it isn't a big deal, since most of the time I am at his house anyways. But that is a huge step, one i wanted to prolong making. However, I cant afford otherwise. Funny how that works. I do love him. I do see a future with him. But why rush it? oh well...at this point I cant afford much else. And by the time I finish school, he will just be starting his program in depth, so we can kind of trade off taking care of each other. I am terrified of the next three years though, TERRIFIED. Nursing school is no joke, and I just better pray i get a scholarship. That, or i am taking out loans when I am 23. That is the age when i no longer have to claim my parents. Until then, I would have to claim my mother...eh, I'm not too worried about this upcoming year, just the next two, so i suppose that should work out just fine.
I am really going to miss my little brother. Too late for that though. But I do love him, he and I were close growing up, we only had each other. I'm not sure what happened. I guess in his words...we are just really different.
On a happy note...Genevieve turns 2 today. She makes me feel like at least I've done something right in my life. well i better get back to laundry and "move-proofing my room." I figured I would talk to aaron, get things solidified and slowly move my things out. I just want to disappear, and I don't want anyone to notice im gone till they notice there is nothing left of me.