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wanna_be_human2

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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2005|12:59 pm]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

Well, I just had my first training session at the gym with Sief, it went well. I love Sief...he is a really good person, and he is going to get me sexy, baby! I had the talk with my mom that moved out to avoid...i am moving out again, but on civil terms. She is going to help me out with rent and what not...whatever i cant take of myself basically. I also found out that my mother makes negative amounts of money. Hm...great, for me. Her business showed a loss of $4500 last year..what does this mean for me? this means...i can get FREE MONEY. So hopefully i can get a few thousand dollars in grants and that will pay my living expenses. Things are coming together...the fallen pieces are going to be fixed. The crying is about stopped. I wasn't crying because i was heartbroken though, crying more because...it has all been such a mess. Such a mess.

The only thing i need to stop doing is wondering if he is already having sex with other women. I shouldn't care...i guess im just so disgusted with him, i wonder if he is more disgusting then i think he already is. A lot of my life has been tied to him...gym memberships i pay for that i have to cancel....blockbuster accounts...a credit card I cosigned on--which, i plan on calling the company and trying to get my name taken off that or just close the account period. So it has kind of caused me to not stop thinking about it, like I would like to, but i guess you cant just expel someone from your mind that you were with for a year, huh?

Other then a few setbacks....im doing as well as can be expected. I am proud of myself. And screaming to Kelly Clarkson CDs has helped ;)
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making strides [Jul. 9th, 2005|02:42 pm]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |angryangry]

Today i officially broke it off with my boyfriend...i moved back into my mom's and made amends, sort of, with her. let me make it pretty obvious WHY i broke up with him...read on...:

email#1 from bastard boyfriend: Just wanted to drop you a line, and see how things are. I tried to call you but it wouldn't let me leave you a message. But now you have my e-mail, so you can get in touch with me. You should get a hold of me soon though, because I'm having a fourth of July party that should be pretty cool. Talk to you later, Aaron (aka luv2fuk313)

Slutty Stripper: Great so how u doin did u have some questions for me


email2 from bastard boyfriend:
just wanted to see what kind of craziness you where into. My girlfriend and I were looking for someone to join the fun, but lately we've been in a bit of a rough patch, so who knows what will happen. But who knows, maybe we could get together when things cool down, or maybe just you and I could get together sometime. get back to me, and we'll talk. You can check my pics at adultfriendfinder under luv2fuk313, talk to you later.

slutty stripper:
That's cool just let me know I just nees to make sure you know I'm a
adult entertainer

email3 from bastard boyfriend (dated July 8th, for those who were wondering):
cool, because i'm in need of some adult entertainment. write me back at vigenski@gmail.com, and we'll work out the details

WHAT A PIECE OF SSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT. Oh i am so angry. After i read that in his email account which yes...i went snooping through, because i suspected foul play. A couple weeks ago i found some screen names and a phone number on his desk. Then i discovered he was on the adultfriendfinder site, which ive been on, but he was doing his own thing with some new sn luv2fuk313..so i read some more shit on there, confronted him about it...he said it would stop. IT DIDNT
the next day he was solicting this fucking slut for sex. I am disgusted...so i read his email while he was in the shower, and this is what i read...i was shaking i was so upset. At first, i didnt overreact...but then he treated me like i was the fucking asshole..kept sending me text messages about this and that and how horrible i was...when he was the one who was basically cheating on me...so i called my mom. Then i called my best friend who begged me to break up with him. Then i called my friend justin to get a boy's take on it...same thing, dump him.

So I have rid myself of the garbage i used to call my boyfriend. I spent one year and 9 days with a fat, ugly asshole, who didnt care about me like i cared about him. In fact, that is all i did wrong. I cared too much. Ive discovered, that i am better then him. After discovering what a sick fucking person he is...i almost instantaneously fell out of love with him. I also read the history on his computer. Nothing but porn and that damn website showed up. I should have listened to you guys...should have listened. Next time, I will.
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(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2005|02:28 am]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |distresseddistressed]

So I think it has been like months since I wrote in this...i really should write in it more often, it is rather therapeutic. I can't sleep. it is 2:30 in the morning and I got off work 3 hours ago--I just can't seem to put my mind at ease, I have like 1,000 things going through my head. It doesn't help i am freezing cold thanks to the AC which is blasting away every 5 minutes. Where was the AC when i was at work and it was a million degrees? I sweat so much today at work that when i came home and looked in the mirror and had that weird sweat/makeup crusty thing going on.

I had a party a few days ago, a first for me. It was pretty fun, lot of good people showed up including Jon <333 I started to get sick towards the end of the party and it wasnt from alcohol, but from some stupid cold that attacked me by suprise. I was DYING...I went to bed at like midnight, and woke up at 6:30am...pretty much had everything cleaned by 10am, bout 90%...but that wasnt enough for my mother..heh...even though my brothers friends were mostly the people who destroyed the house and my mother was running around drunk and high off her ass the whole time too...I have been putting in an honest effort to be cleaner. But by the time 10 am hit i was out..i was so fucking SICK it hurt...you know, I wont deny I am a bit of a slob, but I tell you what, I have been tryin HARD. Like, ive never kept things clean as consistently as i am right now. Never enough. NEVER.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you stayed out of obligation...not because it was healthy? I am beginning to think that is the case with my mother. YES, i do want to live in her home, rent free, until i finish school, it is selfish and I can't afford otherwise...but I'll be damned if i live in a place where my brother and my mom despise me and will never ever accept me. I feel like I will never be good enough and I will regret living with her till I graduate. My mother will take credit for everything I do, even though she didnt pay for a red cent for my school directly or support my decision to go to college in the first place. My mom wants me to fail. Is that possible? Yes...she would rather see me grow up to be a huge loser then to ever possibly be a more successful, better person then she is. I thought that is what parents wanted? they want children who bring pride to their name? Not my mother. She is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life.

I wrote a letter to my brother, apologizing to him. I was having a conversation with my mother, and I apparently said some things that led her to accuse my brother of things that arent true. She told me yesterday that if she kicked Dirk out I had to go as well. She just doesnt want us here. I don't even want to know her anymore. There is no way someone so heartless and selfish could have given birth to me, I am slightly disgusted, especially since i seem to have some of her qualities and I look like her. How horrifiying. I told my brother I would never interfere in his life again. Ever.

It is sad when you come to a point in your life where you are secretly planning to leave behind two people in your life forever. Neither one of them will care, they are one in the same and they have each other. Mommy and her little favorite child. She has someone to take care of her, she just better hope he goes somewhere with his life, and i hope he does. I just cant continue to be in this destructive place in my life...she has always had the power to destroy me, and she uses it, because she KNOWS she has that power.

I've decided blood means nothing. It makes me cry to say that. But just because people share my genetics doesnt mean they love me or that I should have to maintain a reltionship JUST because they are related to me. I don't want to know my mom anymore because I hate the person she is, and I don't want to know my brother anymore because by knowing me, she will hate me and in turn he will hate me.

My boyfriend, God bless him, has been really supportive. I don't think he thinks I am serious about what I plan on doing as far as severing all ties with my mom and brother...I'll be honest though, I am not ready to move in with Aaron. I know it isn't a big deal, since most of the time I am at his house anyways. But that is a huge step, one i wanted to prolong making. However, I cant afford otherwise. Funny how that works. I do love him. I do see a future with him. But why rush it? oh well...at this point I cant afford much else. And by the time I finish school, he will just be starting his program in depth, so we can kind of trade off taking care of each other. I am terrified of the next three years though, TERRIFIED. Nursing school is no joke, and I just better pray i get a scholarship. That, or i am taking out loans when I am 23. That is the age when i no longer have to claim my parents. Until then, I would have to claim my mother...eh, I'm not too worried about this upcoming year, just the next two, so i suppose that should work out just fine.

I am really going to miss my little brother. Too late for that though. But I do love him, he and I were close growing up, we only had each other. I'm not sure what happened. I guess in his words...we are just really different.

On a happy note...Genevieve turns 2 today. She makes me feel like at least I've done something right in my life. well i better get back to laundry and "move-proofing my room." I figured I would talk to aaron, get things solidified and slowly move my things out. I just want to disappear, and I don't want anyone to notice im gone till they notice there is nothing left of me.
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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2005|09:30 pm]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

i hate bugs--thought i's just throw that out there. So life is bizarre. I am sure most of you would agree with me. Here is a little update:

Pros:
I started taking prozac again, my attitude has improved slightly, although i'm still a little sensitive. Can't win em' all.

I get to volunteer in the ER this summer two days a week. Yay!

I am going to get skinny this summer damn it.

i went shopping and bought lots of clothes and the Kelly Clarkson Cd :x Hi, my name is cassi and i'm 14!!!

I go on vacation in 5 days, thank God.

I get to see a little bit of my family this summer at my lil bro's graduation.

I don't have to take any summer school--I went and saw my counselor and she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know--6 more classes, just like i thought. I even got a Nursing School t-shirt. awwwwww <33333

Cons:
I hate my job right now, and my job hates me. I got a 100% on my shopper report, but alas, that doesnt mean jack shit apparently. The VP was in town the last couple days-well, he pointed ME out, saying that my hair is an "extreme hairstyle"...because my hair is blonde on top and dark brown underneath. I hate the fact that my company is run by a bunch of stupid fat old men who think a two toned hair style is extreme. So i have to re-color my hair. I ususally do it myself, but even im smart enough to know i cant darken my hair without turning it green and i cant lighten it without turning it orange....Fuck Lucille's right now man. Fuck having to buss my own tables. Fuck having to run my own food. Fuck all the god damn side work we have to do. AND fuck old fat men. haha that sounded funny...

I bombed my lab practical %$@#!
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2005|03:22 pm]
wanna_be_human2
I read this bizarre book my boyfriend read called Invisible Monsters...very interesting. It has been years since i sat down and read a book. Interestingly enough, i got through the 250 page book in about 6 hours, i forget how fast i read. I remember when I was younger i used to read constantly, in fact, I always wanted to be a writer, or at least at some point write a book.

Anyways..in this book, I read something that was kind of introspective to human nature...that we are grossly obsessed with ourselves. How we are always wanting to tell our story and more then that, watch ourselves as we do so. Kind of makes human nature sounds pretty self absorbed, not that i deny not being self absorbed...because i am.

I got my anti-depressants refilled, which i get by mail. Right now I come home everyday, praying that they have arrived in the mail. I'm not sure if I want them because I am unhappy, or if I am hoping that in some strange way they will make me a better person--quieter, not so malcontent and annoying. Hoping in some odd way they will shut me up. I think a lot, too much, about everything. It is kind of horrible that I have this great life and yet--I am never happy. I have a boyfriend who loves me, is faithful to me...i am lucky enough to live in a home that is beautiful and clean...I have two dogs, a family...i have a healthy body, a functioning mind, access to unlimited education, a job that pays me well, a new car...and a vacation to Hawaii in two weeks. And yet I still am malcontent. It is like the human disease, and I have it.

I have met one person in my life who isn't unhappy being themselves, and who hasn't let a little adversity ruin them--and she is 1/11th my age and came from my body. I got a call from her mom...she had a hearing test today and the doctor said that Gen has the best hearing she has ever seen in a child with a disability. She never ceases to amaze me. I really need to be more like my 2 year old daughter. We really aren't that different, except, she has already become a better person then i could possibly every become.
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(no subject) [Apr. 16th, 2005|11:17 pm]
wanna_be_human2
So i haven't updated in a while. I went to bed angry tonight...and got up 2 seconds later because i cant sleep. Im not wearing my glasses right now so excuse the typos...then again, im usually never wearing my glasses at home, they always look dirty from all the grime they get on them at work.

Life has been uber blah lately.My boyfriend resents me because i dont approve of daily pot smoking...I hate that feeling. Tonight he said he was going to smoke...i told him fine, but i was going home..so he didn't BUT, he acted all bent out of shape--i got really angry, i would have just gone home, FUCK.

I feel really ugly and fat. Im really broken out, and I am fat...thus my feelings about it.

I am also pissed that i missed early registration for summer school...im so fucking lame.

Fuck.

Work has been shitty.

My life is like a rainbow. Of shit.
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(no subject) [Feb. 16th, 2005|05:01 pm]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |chipperchipper]

ahhhh so valentines day...first time since i was 14 i got a valentines day gift from someone who wasn't my grandma, and it was loverly, just loverly. We went out to dinner at Craftsteak in the MGM which was ugh...to DIIIIEEE for. gorgeous place, sexy man with me, 98 dollar Kobe rib eye steak, brussel sprouts, asparagus, onion rings and some roasted garlic potatoes, and a 50 dollar bottle of the best white wine ive ever had...amazing. So amazing it deserved a NICE LONG NAP afterwards..yes, i fell asleep on the coach in my sexy little floral dress while Aaron played Halo..haha...but when i went to bed he had turned on a black light, put white sheets on the bed with rose petals all over it..and i got some flowers, Cool Water perfume and a sweet card...it was awesome...my boyfriend is the best, i hope he never changes.

Aaron and I spending time apart has really been great for us. We have our whole lives to spend together, so..there really is no rush to all up in each other's space now. We have been spending a lot of time going to the gym (except the last four days...we were naughty ate lots of tacos and didnt go to the gym haha)..and we cook each other meals...watch movies...just do more stuff in general. I miss the sex sometimes though :( he is so good at the sex and i am soo needy hahaha..okay tmi i guess.

Im super nervous about money...ooooh money...i have to save up 3 grand in 3 months, which...is like impossible. heh. But i bought the tickets to hawaii already, have 3 summer classes to pay for...it is horrible...then spending money in hawaii. I dunno what to do. then aaron and my brothers birthday...uuuggggghhhhhh...too many things..oh and my best friend is coming out this weekend! money money money...this is a time in my life i wish everything was FREE.

The good news is i have a 95 in my stats class, ooooh yeeeaahh...and i think i got a B on my first bio exam, which i am okay with...since the first exam is always the worst and the hardest..mm hmm...okay well i gots to get ready for el worko...stupid work, i need to hit mega bucks.
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(no subject) [Feb. 4th, 2005|02:02 pm]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

OH MY GAWWWD it is gorgeous out...this is the first nice day that I have actually been able to ENJOY myself and ENJOY the day..I woke up this morning...went to the gym, did an abs class, did cardio for 45 min...so i feel spectacular physically..then my boyfriend came over and we..um.."enjoyed" the day too...(hehe :x) and we enjoyed the spa...rawr...so Aaron and I have decided we both want to lose 30 pounds by hawaii which gives us about 3-4 months to do...I actually went to the store and made all of my meals for the next 5 days. It is very cool. My meal selection is good too, cause it is so healthy it makes me feel good and clean...mmm... I am slowly beginning to pay off my credit cards...i paid of 2 this month..and possibly 4--since i did a balance transfer on two of them (only 600 smackaroos) onto my new one...so i have maybe like one payment left on both of those cards..yaaay! which means no more Victoria Secret card, mastercard, capital one card, or the big one...no more best buy! Ill have my lenscrafters card, which i can pay off next month, and the hawaiian airlines...yay. That will cut my expenses waaaay down and i can just make larger payments on the one.

Shoot...i keep forgetting too..i got a parking ticket at UNLV (my fuckin meter expired cause i couldnt find parking) and they got me...but i didnt pay it on time so it is 30 bucks instead of 15...arg...aarrgggg...in my opinion...if there isnt enough fucking parking as it is, then...::gasp:: get rid of the METERS!
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things that make you go hmmmmm.... :) [Feb. 2nd, 2005|01:02 pm]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |contentcontent]

eh so things are going well, for the most part. I feel pretty at peace with myself, which is nice..have been making pretty shitty money at work lately but luckily money is monetary..so I don't really care all that much, heh. Things between Aaron and I are better...(much better) Taking time for ourselves but still being together was definitly a good choice, I am glad he decided to take a chance on me, again. I feel like maybe he is waiting for me to just...explode and mess things up again...but I hope that isn't the case. I really wish he would realize i don't like being upset...and i dont like making him upset..shoot watching him get upset makes me get 10 times more upset. I think I just get scared because i know how he spent 5 years with one person..and that was a time when most guys were fawkin around, getting laid, having one night stands...it all made so much sense as to why he said all the stuff about sex..why it was so important to him--he spent all those years with a girl he didnt seem to be all that attracted to, she was a nice girl, but from what i picked up from him they weren't that intimate, not as much as we are anyway...she wasn't all that experimental...i could be wrong, who knows, but maybe he needs me to be wild and crazy with him so i can fulfill what he thinks and feels he missed out on. Otherwise I think the only way he could fulfill that is to date other people. Like I said, this is all speculation, but it kind of make sense. Lord knows I have no desire to date and explore my sexual BLAAHHH, again....all that got me was a lot of heartbreak and a baby, geeze. It really is so different for women---not fair, man, so not fair.

I have been doing a lot of cleaning...trying to keep my mom happy..i figure if she can walk into my room and not lecture me the next day...life will be sooo much better. By the way--I LOVE LOVE LOOOOVVVVE having my things back. I took most of my shizzle from Aarons---not to be spiteful, i just dont stay over there long enough to use any of it anyway, so i figured, eh, hell, give him some more space...and i get my shtuff :)

more good news? ah yes! I got my Hawaiian Airlines credit card..broke it in..now i am going to make a payment and get 10000 bonus miles!!! yaaaayyy for free tickets to Hawaii! I also almost have a bunch of my other cards paid off which is equally exciting. Oh..and I dont get it..how come when you go into debt, the banks throw money at you?? I don't get it...I buy a car...and WHAM...they wanna gimme all types of money! cool! dont worry...i wont abuse this priveledge :) it is just comforting

last cool thing...this lady at work is like 45 and preggo...she had an amnio done yesterday because they think her baby has Downs...it was great to be able to talk to her and tell her about my experience...because I know it really helped her, which made me feel great that my personal experiences could help her in some serious life decisions she has to make.

That is all for now.
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the story... [Jan. 23rd, 2005|08:16 pm]
wanna_be_human2
[mood |confusedconfused]

alright..so long story short...we had a disagreement...he thinks that i overreact and just fabricate these "episodes"...which isnt entirely true, because i was provoked by hearing him talk about doing pot when we go to Hawaii in May to one of his friends...so that set me off and upset me..i overanalyzed everything in our relationship....brough up all my overanaylzations...pissed him off....so he tells me in conclusion he wants to take "time apart"...i thought about it...then decided no...i was in so much pain...i mean..i cried when i found out, i cried when i woke up, i cried while i told him, i cried while i went home, i cried when i got home, getting ready for work, on the way to work, at work...somehow made it through my day, made horrible money...cried on my way home..okay u get the point...

There was no way i was going to put myself through some period of time of doing this, wondering if he wants me, doesnt want me....ugh...so i said no...no time apart. You are with me and i give u space, or you dump me so i can heal...he decided he wanted to be with me...but, i also asked him to make sure he lets me know what things i need to work on...most of them were about sex, which was really odd to me, but i just listened. Apparently, getting off once a day is irrelevant, he wants me to be sexy and get dressed up, and watch porn, you get the point. I dont think he realizes that being sexy and kinky is a MOOD you have to be in...i mean if im not feeling sexy...well im not feeling sexy...so only thing i can think of is...he probably wont be getting that everyday...maybe once a week, because if i have to put on a production, fuck...that is exhausting. Pick it...quality? quantity? not both, I am not a porn star, sorry :( Giving head is exhausting, gawd. All of that was really tough to swallow. Oh and i get jealous around girls...which is probably true...because some girls i dont like...our friends, im okay with...but people who go overboard and flirt with him, i get weird...::nods:: i cant deny that.

Im going to give it a shot...i care about him, he is a great person doing great things with himself....but it is possible he just doesn't care for me the same way i care for him...it happens. Ive got nothing to lose...i already experienced what it was like to feel like i had my heart ripped out of me...
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